Is Forgiveness Really Possible? Featuring Grey's Anatomy!

Grey's Anatomy is my favorite show this year by far. I love the relationship dynamics, although I am really not a fan of Grey and McDreamy getting back together. As I've watched the show over the past year, my favorite characters have changed. I sort of liked Meredith Grey at first, but it soon became evident she was addicted to drama, and I really am attempting to eliminate the drama from my own life, so I had to release her from my "favorites."

I cycled around to Cristina because I liked her dry sense of humor, but the way she has handled the situation with Burke and his tremor sort of caused me to look at her a bit differently. Indeed, there are some definite power issues, but caring as well, going on in the Cristina/Burke camp.

I have really enjoyed Callie's character, because on tap is a woman who Hollywood probably considers to be plus-sized (the name of their world is probably impronouncible anyway, so who cares what they think), but is absolutely normal-sized and beautiful. She is confident about who she is, evidenced by the episode in which the Chief catches her in her underwear living in the hospital somewhere, and she decides that she isn't going to dress as she sits and chats with him.

My absolute favorite, though, is Miranda Bailey. I loved her at the beginning when she was a driven chief resident surgeon, but I especially love her now that she has become a mother. Her character has sprouted dimensions, and I look forward to how the dimensions will play out each week.

This week, Miranda is dealing with betrayal and forgiveness. Cristina was forced to let the cat out of the bag last week and told the chief that Burke had been performing surgeries with herself as his right hand (literally). When his hand trembled, Burke would give Cristina a sign, and she would assist him, working techniques for which interns were not qualified. And since Cristina is Miranda's intern, the secret was finally disclosed to Miranda tonight. Needless to say, Miranda was hot! Her anger seemed to consume her, as she demanded that the Chief inflict judgment on Burke and Cristina. Surprisingly, the Chief wouldn't have it that way. And so Miranda decided to take matters into her own hands. She gave Cristina what seemed to have been a choice surgical assignment, but in reality it wasn't; the best case of the day went to the other interns, and Miranda felt she was giving Cristina what she deserved.

At the end of the episode, Miranda and the Chief demanded to know why Burke and Cristina were not punished for engaging in their scheme for so long. But clearly, Burke is experiencing inner turmoil, as it appears that he lost his opportunity to become Chief of Surgery, and that's what he's been working toward his entire career. Cristina's intern "friends" are ignoring her and treating her like dung. Cristina and Burke's relationship is on the rocks. Surely, their insides must be tearing at them. So why does Miranda insist on the wrath of the universe to be inflicted upon them? Would you feel Miranda has a right to expect punishment to be inflicted on them?

Clearly, Grey's Anatomy fans know Miranda was betrayed by her interns on more than one occasion (if you are not a Grey's Anatomy fan, I highly recommend the show. It airs on Thursday evenings at 9:00pm on ABC). That feeling of anger that arrived with betrayal has not yet been resolved for Miranda. As I reflect on my own life, when I was hurt or betrayed by someone, I wanted that person who hurt me to join me in my feelings of pain and inadequacy. That's the only way I could make myself feel good at the time. Like lots of crabs in a barrel. After awhile, though, I realized that the "vindication" I felt I deserved wasn't going to come knocking on my door. I felt I was the doormat, with the stepee wiping his feet and moving on.

And so I go back to yesterday evening's post and ask the question, "Is forgiveness really possible?" It appears that Miranda's answer to this question is "NO!" But really, what purpose does it serve us to hold a grudge? Does holding a grudge and remaining angry toward someone add any more years to our lives? Would it improve the quality of your own life if you didn't release someone from the penalty of the transgression they imposed upon you? Betrayal and pain fuel unforgiveness. But if you harbor this unforgiveness, making a place for it at your table, you will eventually end up sick. And the sickness, because the hurt and pain haven't been dealt with, can end up badly. Why take the chance? Think about it. Loose that man or woman from that yoke you've placed upon him. Take that step - make that choice. Forgive.

So, when will Miranda let go of the burden of this betrayal? Stay tuned...

Is Forgiveness Really Possible?

Anyone who teaches knows how challenging the job of teaching can be. One of the classes I teach is a year-long New Testament class with high school seniors. The fact that these students are trying to prepare and submit college applications around this time of the year, coupled with the fact that they are forced to take the course in order to graduate, makes my job even more challenging. While the school I teach at is a "Christian" school, it is primarily known for its academics, so young people of all faith traditions, or no faith tradition, attend. To be forced to take Bible - who would've thunk it?

I tend to think my classes are a little more tolerable because I like to integrate a lot of discussion in my lessons. At the moment, we are going through the Gospel of Matthew, where we came upon the following passage in Matthew 18:21-22:

Then Peter came and said to [Jesus], "Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As
many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "No seven times,
but, I tell you, seventy-seven times."

I was waiting for the response, and like clockwork, it came... “There is no way you can forgive everyone for everything. People sometimes do things that are unforgivable.” “Yes, it may seem that way, but Jesus is telling Peter that in the context of church, forgiveness is an unending proposition; in other words, forbearance and mercy must reign over one’s desire to inflict judgment or to insist someone owes you something just because they wronged you in some way,” I replied. Do I really believe this? Yes. Is it an attainable goal? I believe so. Is it easy and instant? By no means. But, then again, no one ever said life would be a bed of roses either.

Sometimes, I find it helpful to open up to high school students about my own experiences to let them see I am a human being – not in an attempt to be their friend, but to let them know they can be safe in my classroom. So what happens in 311, stays in 311. I shared an experience I had with my mom right before she passed away after a 6-year fight with lung cancer four months ago on July 26th. It is a long story, and some day, I’ll figure out how to share it with you, but bottom line, she released my brother Bill of a debt that he may very well have owed her. He stole from her, he lied to her, he cussed her out, but she wouldn’t let go of life until she heard his voice. He’s incarcerated, so I had to arrange for him to call at a particular time while I was at the hospital with her. On the morning of July 26th, he called my mom’s cell phone, I put the phone up to her ear, and I heard him say things like, “I’m sorry Mom. It’s not your fault. You did the best you could. You did everything you could for me.” Up until this time, her heart was beating so very strong; the nurses didn’t know what she was waiting for, since her body had shut down and she was no longer responsive. Five minutes after I closed the phone, her heartbeat became fainter and fainter, and she immediately passed away.

I determined she was waiting to let her son know that she forgave him for all he had done and all that he put her through during the last 25 years of her life. She hadn’t seen him since before Thanksgiving 2005, and Bill didn’t know how sick she had become. But in my mind, I believe with my heart that she wanted him to know that she held no grudges. She didn’t want him to have a heavy heart. She had more compassion for her son at the end of her life than she was probably capable of before.

But here’s a thought...some might say that a mother’s love transcends a child’s transgressions, so it’s easier to forgive your child. I have a 2 ½ year old, so I can’t say her offenses have amounted to anything worth having to forgive at all (I hope and pray it never happens – but how realistic is that?). But what about those instances in which a hurt was inflicted so deep that you thought you’d never recover? What about those instances in which your husband or boyfriend beat you? What other situations have you encountered where you don’t want to forgive because the sin against you is so egregious? Can we honestly say we can forgive in those instances? Many of my students don’t think it’s possible. Think about it.

Daddy's Girl

Most people who know me consider me to be a "Daddy's girl." As the saying goes, "I had him wrapped around my little finger." When I was young, my father would give me almost anything I asked for. I didn't ask for much anyway. But if I wanted something, like a new pair of jeans or a pair of shoes or a new outfit, I could always ask my father for the money to get what I wanted. My Daddy loved me then, and in spite of the difficulties my family has struggled with the past more than several years, he still loves me. I am his pride and joy (I'm not saying this to be arrogant at all; I just know how my father feels about me, and I know many other women whose fathers feel the same way about their daughters).

Today, my daughter and I went to school without my husband. My husband usually travels with us in the morning, but he needed to stay home today to complete a huge, major writing project. So this evening after I picked up A. from daycare, we had a different sort of ride home. A. wasn't as vocal as she normally is when her daddy is riding with us. But all that changed when we drove up to the entrance of the subdivision. When she saw the sign greeting us to our subdivision, she yelled out, "Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy!!!" in rapid succession. During that moment (as in others) I saw how important Daddies are in the life of their daughers.

I love watching my husband and my daughter play with each other. She enjoys him so much, and he enjoys her immensely. I see the major impact he has made on her already during her short life (aside from looking too much like him and not enough like me). He disciplines her lovingly but sternly, and after it's all said and done, she's right back in his arms to have "tummy time" or to just look at him with those big, lovely brown eyes.

For those of us who are mothers, it's important for us to understand how positively a father can impact his children. Even if you are not a mother, we all need to look at fathers and acknowledge how crucial they are to a child's well-being. Don't get me wrong - I know mothers have that special mo-jo for their children to which fathers may not have access. But they have their own formula, and responsible, caring men who are responsible, caring fathers partake of and impart that formula so that their sons and daughters (like Avia) will know how much they are truly loved and cherished as special, precious, marvelous people.

So if you know someone who is a father, encourage him and thank him for being the wonderful father God destined him to be. I know he may not be perfect (lol!), but being Daddy's little girl, it matters not.

(Disclaimer: Of course, there are men who are abusive to those around them - in which case they still need encouragement, but it may need to be in the form of reproof, correction, counseling, etc. I am not a mental health or legal professional - this is not medical or legal advice.)

SURPRISE!

One area of my life I have been trying to work on is my emotions. It’s been a long road. I’d like to say I experienced success overnight – no such luck. I have determined, though, that there are two ways that seem to get the issue at least in the forefront of my mind. One way is through something similar to “on the job training.” That is, I encounter a situation, and I attempt to get a handle on my feelings in order to understand what’s leading up to the dance I’m about to perform (for an explanation about this dance, see “Life as a Dance” post below) until I can make some sense of it and deal with it appropriately. This is no fun, because it’s not like I can predict when the opportunity to deal with my emotions is going to arise. I can’t schedule these wonderful occasions. It’s a SURPRISE! (My husband will tell you I’m not much for surprises.) What’s frustrating about this for me is that many times, I don’t get a chance to assess the situation because things can sometimes happen so quickly. Like an accident – you don’t expect them, but they can be very disruptive, if not devastating. So instead of just letting my emotions run wild in challenging situations with others (such as my husband or my daughter or my students for that matter), I am attempting to really think about what’s going on inside me before a terrible accident happens. This is a difficult task, but one I am willing to take on because I know it will result in a bit more peace inside.

The second way I can make this issue is a priority is to talk about it to my husband, a good friend, counselor, high school students...Yes, I said high school students. If you saw the “About Me” section to the right, you’ll notice that I am a teacher in a private, college-prep high school. It’s a great school – these kids are great thinkers who focus so tremendously on academics. It’s that type of school – ranked very highly in the Southeast U.S. Many of these kids get accepted in the top schools in the country.

Anyway, in one of my classes made up of seniors, we started talking about the Michael Richards incident in which in a public comedy performance, he was videotaped engaged in a hurtful tirade calling two Black men in the audience the “n” word and shouting expletives indicating what he really thought of African-Americans. As I explained to my students that he definitely didn’t know how to control his emotions (interestingly, it’s probably a good thing that he had the outburst, because if he hadn’t, we wouldn’t know how he really felt about African-Americans), they said, “Well, you can’t do that. There is no way to control your emotions.” Of course I said to them, “Oh, but yes you can,” and provided an example of a recent “opportunity” in which I tried to do just that. Now, mind you, the situation SURPRISED me! And I had an outburst. But the difference this time is that I was able to remove myself from the physical situation for a time by going to the bathroom, closing the door, turning out the lights, crying, and praying for discernment about what was going on inside me. The answer to that prayer is recounted in the “Life as a Dance” post below. It was the insecurity and defensiveness I harbor inside. Being able to write about it allowed me to decompress, and I was able to deal with it better the next day. Being able to talk about, even to my students, keeps it fresh. Being able to share it here forces me (in a good way) to continue to reflect on the process.

I’ve been attempting to do this type of “inner work” more and more as occasions present themselves. While I may not ever become an “expert” at it, I believe that with each “opportunity,” I get a chance to practice, and we all know the old adage, “Practice makes perfect.” Except here, being “perfect” doesn’t imply never making a mistake. To look at it in a biblical sense, being "perfect” means being "mature.” So I look forward to a maturing in my ability to control my emotions, because in looking forward, I have hope. There is hope.

The Wisdom of This Mother?

I am a relatively new mother – only for the past 2½ years – and I can confidently say that most of the time, I don’t know what I’m doing. Being 40 years older than my daughter, (who I will call A.), you’d think I could be confident in knowing that she doesn’t know that I don’t know what I’m doing. You’d think I could fool her into thinking that I became the wise woman and mother God has called me to be the second she came into the world.

Let me give you an example of how I think I’ve fooled her. Getting A. dressed in the morning, for instance. Many mornings, she wakes up a little on the cranky side. The first thing my husband and I try to get her to do is go, as we say, “pee-pee in the potty.” So we carry her to the bathroom, stand her up, and proceed to try to quickly take off her pull-ups before she “pees” any more in her diaper than she already had during the night. (I’m sure this scenario is not unfamiliar to most mothers.) She usually cries and whines telling us she doesn’t want to go to the potty. While trying to convince her that big girls sit on the pot, we sit her down on her pot (I don’t understand her resistance to it – it’s a beautiful white Baby Bjorn potty with a pretty bear on the front that invites toddlers to “come, sit on me”). As she sits on the pot, I give A. her toothbrush and ask her to brush her teeth. The resistance continues. By this time, we have about 20 minutes to finish and get out the door. (You say I need help in the time management department?) To try to move things along, I say to her, “If you don’t brush your teeth like a big girl, I have to leave you here.” So she brushes just a little faster, emphatically stating, “I’m a BIG girl!” but doesn’t really get all her teeth very well. (Can someone tell me if 2½ year olds brush their teeth well?) Finally, I say, “If you don’t brush your teeth really good, we can’t go see Miss Susie, because I’m sure she doesn’t want to smell your breath this morning.” Now I would probably take that personally, but many times, “the Miss Susie threat” seems to do the trick (of course, I do have to put the finishing touches on her brush job). K-Wiz wisdom rules! (What other “tricks” have others tried to get their toddlers to do something reasonable when they don’t want to do it? I’m asking for some help here!)

I think she knows, though, that God didn’t pour all His wisdom down on me after she was released from my womb. When it is her bedtime, I say to her, “It’s night-night time.” She resists and whines, so I throw the “Big Girl” trip on her, at which point she says, “I’m a BIG girl!” I say, “Okay,” and we walk to her room, where she says, “I want to read books.” Because it’s already past her bedtime, I respond, “Okay, get one book only.” She gets one book, then two books. Because I feel a little guilty that I hadn’t read to her the whole day, I say, “Those are the only two books we’re going to read, because you need your sleep.” So we read the books. She gets another book. We read that book. She gets another. We read it. This is where I said to myself, “She figured out that mommy is not as smart about this motherhood thing as she pretends to be.” I’m a sucker for books. And I love that my daughter loves books. I pray that she will love to read, so I try not to dissuade her when she wants to pick up a book. But I think A. inherently knows this, and she uses it against me!

Being 42 years old, you’d think motherhood would come naturally. Not! But to be a mother has been the best thing ever. As a mom, I am seeking to walk in the footsteps of Wisdom. Sometimes I miss a step or two (or five or ten – at a time!). A. may know I have missed some steps along the way, but the great thing is this - the way she looks in my eyes many times, I don’t think she cares.

Today's Dance

...Though I fall I will rise;
Though I dwell in darkness,
the Lord is a light for me.
Micah 7:8 (NASB)

I spoke yesterday of life as a dance, with the music driving me as I dance well or as I step on toes. I must say that today, I danced the dance of inadequacy. The dance that says, “You’re not good enough.” The dance that says, “You should have known better.” That dance progressed into the dance of defensiveness. Because if I feel someone thinks I’m inadequate, then I must stick up for myself! I must show them that I am worthy! And when I attempt to defend myself, I have begun to dance the dance of anger. At this present moment, I am not dancing gracefully; in fact, I feel my dance is full of confusion.

How wonderful it is to know that the music hasn’t stopped just because my dance is funky. God is with me. The scripture above says that even in the midst of difficulty, God is with me to guide me. It doesn’t matter who or what the source of the difficulty is; God is with me to help me through it. And with that, I can rest knowing that in spite of how I feel about myself (which, many times, isn’t the truth anyway), God loves me and won’t leave me. I can rest knowing that I am God’s creation, that He made me wonderfully, and that He will lead me out of the darkness. God will teach me how to dance.

Life As A Dance

If you are 40+, you may remember shows like "American Bandstand" and "Soul Train." I, as others did, watched the shows to learn the latest dances out at the time. Of course, during the 80s, video shows became prominent, and I spent hours watching these shows just to learn the dance steps from beginning to end. While some dances were easy to learn, like The Robot and The Bump (you really couldn't mess that one up), others were a bit more difficult for me, like The Running Man. In fact, it took me months to get that one, and by the time I did finally learn it, the dance was played out. Similarly, "American Bandstand" and "Soul Train" became "played out" as well.

With shows like "Dancing With The Stars" and "So You Think You Can Dance," the dance craze (as far as viewing it on television as we did in the 60s, 70s, and 80s) has made a comeback. Dance pervades our society. In fact, I was just watching the tv show "Closer To Home." In the last scene of the episode, two opposing attorneys were talking after a case, and one said to the other that they would continue their dance again at another time in the future (paraphrase). Evidently, some dynamic exists between the two that has resulted in not only mutual respect, but also care for one another. Why am I talking about dancing? For some reason, that statement the attorney made to the other resonated with me. I began to reflect on what he meant by the statement. I then saw something I wasn't expecting.

The word "dance" has a variety of meanings. The simplest meaning is "to move rhythmically usually to music, using prescribed or improvised steps and gestures." I thought of this as related to my own life. Indeed, the steps I have sometimes performed have not always produced rhythm in my life. As I reflect, I have sometimes let steps lead me in directions I should not have gone in, pathways I should not have taken. I have even allowed my toes to be stepped on at times during various stages in my dance of life. But as I think about it, something led me to the dance, and that is the music. I wasn't expecting this...

Music evokes feeling and emotion. It is that sometimes melodious, sometimes harmonious, always rhythmic element which pushes you to get out onto the dance floor (sometimes). That which moves you to get out of bed each and every single day. That which compels you to face whatever obstacles might land in your path and adversities that might stand in your way. That which leads you into discovering what's in store for you that day. So it's not always the dance that makes the difference, then, it's the music. But I think it matters who makes the music. God makes the music in my world. And I acknowledge that while the steps I have danced have been awkward at times, atrocious at others, but also pretty good sometimes, the music has been beautiful.

The sounds God has put together to make music in my world include my husband, who has been in my life for the past six and a half years. While in our own dance we have sometimes stepped on one another's toes and skipped steps resulting in lack of rhythm, the music is still playing and we are learning to dance better with one another. God has created sounds together to make music in my world which includes my beautiful daughter, who is now two and a half years old. I sometimes step on her toes, which makes me uncomfortable at times and probably hurts her a little more, but we keep dancing. I often try to lead her in her dance, but she sometimes doesn't follow. Nevertheless, the dance between us is good - and we are learning.

One can always learn to dance. But it's the music that gets you out there. God makes my music, and I try to dance the best I can. He is teaching me as the music continues each and every day. Who makes the music in your world? And how's your own dance to that music?

5:00am Shopping Spree?

How many of us are awakening at 5:00am tomorrow - the day after Thanksgiving - to catch the best deals on Christmas items? The Christmas sales are now on, but interestingly, I went to a local department store in October, and Christmas decorations were already on display. I thought to myself, "You've got to be kidding," and then remembered that our society has so commercialized Christmas.

And so this is the year my daughter will begin to learn what Christmas is all about. As Christians, it is important to my husband and I that my daughter know Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. But Santa Claus is important too! No need to abandon that tradition (pagan though it is). What we've decided on is that Santa is Jesus' helper, and the gifts our daughter receives symbolizes (in a very small way) the ultimate gift Jesus paid on the cross for all of humanity.

Back to the commercialization of Christmas...the department stores are going to be horrendously crowded, I imagine. And I need to get diapers for my "big girl." Will I return from my brief run unscathed? Will I go, knowing that my mission has borders which surround the baby/toddler department, or will I succumb to the pressure and buy more Christmas decorations?

To Be Thankful

We can all look around and tell the Christmas season is coming. But is it me - or does it seem we bypass the Thanksgiving holiday to get to it? Commercials and advertisements abound for the big holiday sales so we can run up our credit cards trying to ensure those around us are "happy" by buying them gifts. Don't get me wrong; I have been thinking about my daughter's Christmas gifts for the past month or two. Nevertheless, I think we may be missing out on a great opportunity to really reflect on what we all should be grateful for. And so, I want to say that I am thankful for a wonderful, loving husband and great father who is filled with grace and compassion but who also knows how to get things done. I am thankful for a beautiful, delightful daughter who is learning how to be a "big girl" by going to the potty and going to bed without crying, even if she still needs "tummy time." I am thankful for a daddy who loves me and will do anything in the world for me. I am thankful for the mother I had for almost 42 years who thought I could do no wrong in the world (of course, she was a bit deceived by her own thoughts - but I loved her for it, and still love her). I could go on, but I'm sure you all can recall similar stories. I hope you do during this beautiful Thanksgiving season. Be thankful.