Teacher Torture

At the moment, I am trying to finish constructing a test for my ninth grade Old Testament classes. And if there is nothing I'd rather do, next to grading tests, it's making them up. I try to ensure that my tests are not merely a regurgitation of material; that, in fact, the students really have to think to generate good responses.

Here's the thing - how about I generate a good test so that my students can generate good responses! At the moment, I don't feel I'm doing a very good job with that. In fact, I don't feel I am doing a very good job teaching at all this academic year.

I have had a few careers in my 40+ years of life. I spent several years in corporate sales, obtained an M.B.A., went back into corporate sales, sensed my "calling" to teach, left corporate America, went to seminary and obtained another Master's degree, and now I'm teaching high school students. If you had told me when I was in college that I'd be teaching, let alone teaching Bible in a high school, I would have laughed in your face loudly and told you you were nuts (like you wouldn't have been able to figure out that I was thinking that about you through my "in-your-face" laughter). And now here I am. Writing a test on topics in Torah at midnight the night (morning) before it's due! And doing a pretty poor job at it.

I've heard the saying, "If you can't do anything else, go into teaching" (or something like that), like teaching is the "blow-off" thing you do when other jobs don't go quite right. In fact, teaching is probably the hardest job I've ever had. It's different each day. The students - adolescents - are different each day. The emotional energy required to pull it off each day, whether prepared or not, is immense. Not to mention having to be knowledgeable in my field, seeking to ensure I'm up to date on the latest and greatest. My God! (To say that is not taking God's name in vain, in my informed opinion.) No wonder I'm looking so forward to the Christmas holiday!

But first I have to get through this test...And the final exams the following week. For anybody out there who thinks teaching is a piece of cake - go visit a classroom someday. It is probably the most humbling thing I've ever done. Because if I ever think I've arrived, then I've done my students a disservice.

Teaching...the best profession (next to parenting) in the world.

Teaching Our Children's Souls

Since my daughter began to talk, I have been encouraging her to talk to God. As a mother who is Christian, I am very concerned with how to talk with my daughter about God without all the "church-speak" and technical religious jargon and cliches church people seem to use at times. I want my daughter to know who God is, who Jesus is, but I want her to learn in an authentic way. At the moment, she is not asking about God, but for me, I want to nurture that especially important part of who she is - her spirit and soul.

I subscribe to a weekly public radio program called "Speaking of Faith." I just finished listening to last week's program entitled "The Spirituality of Parenting." The general question being posed is "How do we cultivate spiritual awareness in our family's everyday life?" I found the program to be very useful, and if you are concerned about the same types of issues, I highly recommend it. You can listen to the audio program anytime directly from their website. Just click on the link above, "Teaching Our Children's Souls," which will take you directly to the webpage. Or you can go to the main page of "Speaking of Faith" at http://speakingoffaith.publicradio.org/.

Helping my daughter develop her language skills and fine motor skills are very important. But for my husband and me, helping her develop a sense of the God in her is even more important. Because in my mind, intellect and talent can get you only so far...

Lessons I Learn From My Daughter

I've determined babies are the most incredible of all God's creations. It took me almost 40 years to realize that, since it took just that long to have one (by choice). After 39½ years of life, along with 14½ weeks of complete bedrest during my pregnancy (most of that hospitalized), the birth of my dear Avia resulted in a complete shift in the way I looked at my life. In fact, I would frequently say to people after her birth, “I really don’t know what I did with the first 40 years of my life,” because when I gazed into the face of my daughter, the first 40 years of my life seemed so insignificant and incomplete.

I have learned so much from A. Her presence in my life has changed me (I would like to think for the better). It may sound a bit cliché, but one of the lessons I have learned from her is the need to exercise much patience.

As A. has moved into toddler-hood, her need for independence grows each day. Daily she says, “Let it go, I’ll do it!” “Let me do it, Mommy.” “You can do it next time, Mommy.” “Don't help me, Mommy.” So as I’m trying to get her to brush her teeth faster in the morning by attempting to take her toothbrush and guide her with my hand, she cries and whines saying, “I’ll do it!” at which point I let her continue brushing her teeth, albeit slow as molasses. Because trying to force her to brush her teeth the way I brush mine would lead to chaos and hurt feelings, and that’s a terrible way to start the day.

A. picks the best times to learn and explore – like when it’s time for us to leave for work every morning, especially when I’m running late most mornings. I open her door and say, “Come on, Avia, let’s go, we’re running late...” She really doesn’t care we’re late; all she wants to do is point to something in the car and name it so that she can further prove she is a “big girl” for recalling something or learning something new. So I have to try to convince her to get in the car by saying, “If you don’t get in the car, A., I’m going to have to help you.” That is usually enough motivation for her to move a little faster, maybe slightly faster than molasses.

As I have reflected on these “A. moments,” I’ve concluded that A. does everything s-l-o-w-l-y. It’s not that she doesn’t know how to do something – she just takes her sweet time. She’s not malicious about it...she just does things at a pace that is not like mine. In fact, it is more in line with my husband’s pace! Couldn’t she have inherited something from me?

What I am learning, though, is that if I try to usurp her way of doing things all the time, she may become stifled and withdraw. I must be patient and allow her to do things the way she feels comfortable doing them (within reason and within boundaries, of course). If I let A. be A. and do things the way she seems to be inclined to do them at times, then maybe I’m helping her develop her sense of identity and giving her permission to be who she is, even though she doesn’t do things the way I would. Maybe. I guess I’ll find out...someday. And hopefully this patience thing will pay off!

Is Forgiveness Really Possible? Featuring Grey's Anatomy!

Grey's Anatomy is my favorite show this year by far. I love the relationship dynamics, although I am really not a fan of Grey and McDreamy getting back together. As I've watched the show over the past year, my favorite characters have changed. I sort of liked Meredith Grey at first, but it soon became evident she was addicted to drama, and I really am attempting to eliminate the drama from my own life, so I had to release her from my "favorites."

I cycled around to Cristina because I liked her dry sense of humor, but the way she has handled the situation with Burke and his tremor sort of caused me to look at her a bit differently. Indeed, there are some definite power issues, but caring as well, going on in the Cristina/Burke camp.

I have really enjoyed Callie's character, because on tap is a woman who Hollywood probably considers to be plus-sized (the name of their world is probably impronouncible anyway, so who cares what they think), but is absolutely normal-sized and beautiful. She is confident about who she is, evidenced by the episode in which the Chief catches her in her underwear living in the hospital somewhere, and she decides that she isn't going to dress as she sits and chats with him.

My absolute favorite, though, is Miranda Bailey. I loved her at the beginning when she was a driven chief resident surgeon, but I especially love her now that she has become a mother. Her character has sprouted dimensions, and I look forward to how the dimensions will play out each week.

This week, Miranda is dealing with betrayal and forgiveness. Cristina was forced to let the cat out of the bag last week and told the chief that Burke had been performing surgeries with herself as his right hand (literally). When his hand trembled, Burke would give Cristina a sign, and she would assist him, working techniques for which interns were not qualified. And since Cristina is Miranda's intern, the secret was finally disclosed to Miranda tonight. Needless to say, Miranda was hot! Her anger seemed to consume her, as she demanded that the Chief inflict judgment on Burke and Cristina. Surprisingly, the Chief wouldn't have it that way. And so Miranda decided to take matters into her own hands. She gave Cristina what seemed to have been a choice surgical assignment, but in reality it wasn't; the best case of the day went to the other interns, and Miranda felt she was giving Cristina what she deserved.

At the end of the episode, Miranda and the Chief demanded to know why Burke and Cristina were not punished for engaging in their scheme for so long. But clearly, Burke is experiencing inner turmoil, as it appears that he lost his opportunity to become Chief of Surgery, and that's what he's been working toward his entire career. Cristina's intern "friends" are ignoring her and treating her like dung. Cristina and Burke's relationship is on the rocks. Surely, their insides must be tearing at them. So why does Miranda insist on the wrath of the universe to be inflicted upon them? Would you feel Miranda has a right to expect punishment to be inflicted on them?

Clearly, Grey's Anatomy fans know Miranda was betrayed by her interns on more than one occasion (if you are not a Grey's Anatomy fan, I highly recommend the show. It airs on Thursday evenings at 9:00pm on ABC). That feeling of anger that arrived with betrayal has not yet been resolved for Miranda. As I reflect on my own life, when I was hurt or betrayed by someone, I wanted that person who hurt me to join me in my feelings of pain and inadequacy. That's the only way I could make myself feel good at the time. Like lots of crabs in a barrel. After awhile, though, I realized that the "vindication" I felt I deserved wasn't going to come knocking on my door. I felt I was the doormat, with the stepee wiping his feet and moving on.

And so I go back to yesterday evening's post and ask the question, "Is forgiveness really possible?" It appears that Miranda's answer to this question is "NO!" But really, what purpose does it serve us to hold a grudge? Does holding a grudge and remaining angry toward someone add any more years to our lives? Would it improve the quality of your own life if you didn't release someone from the penalty of the transgression they imposed upon you? Betrayal and pain fuel unforgiveness. But if you harbor this unforgiveness, making a place for it at your table, you will eventually end up sick. And the sickness, because the hurt and pain haven't been dealt with, can end up badly. Why take the chance? Think about it. Loose that man or woman from that yoke you've placed upon him. Take that step - make that choice. Forgive.

So, when will Miranda let go of the burden of this betrayal? Stay tuned...

Is Forgiveness Really Possible?

Anyone who teaches knows how challenging the job of teaching can be. One of the classes I teach is a year-long New Testament class with high school seniors. The fact that these students are trying to prepare and submit college applications around this time of the year, coupled with the fact that they are forced to take the course in order to graduate, makes my job even more challenging. While the school I teach at is a "Christian" school, it is primarily known for its academics, so young people of all faith traditions, or no faith tradition, attend. To be forced to take Bible - who would've thunk it?

I tend to think my classes are a little more tolerable because I like to integrate a lot of discussion in my lessons. At the moment, we are going through the Gospel of Matthew, where we came upon the following passage in Matthew 18:21-22:

Then Peter came and said to [Jesus], "Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As
many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "No seven times,
but, I tell you, seventy-seven times."

I was waiting for the response, and like clockwork, it came... “There is no way you can forgive everyone for everything. People sometimes do things that are unforgivable.” “Yes, it may seem that way, but Jesus is telling Peter that in the context of church, forgiveness is an unending proposition; in other words, forbearance and mercy must reign over one’s desire to inflict judgment or to insist someone owes you something just because they wronged you in some way,” I replied. Do I really believe this? Yes. Is it an attainable goal? I believe so. Is it easy and instant? By no means. But, then again, no one ever said life would be a bed of roses either.

Sometimes, I find it helpful to open up to high school students about my own experiences to let them see I am a human being – not in an attempt to be their friend, but to let them know they can be safe in my classroom. So what happens in 311, stays in 311. I shared an experience I had with my mom right before she passed away after a 6-year fight with lung cancer four months ago on July 26th. It is a long story, and some day, I’ll figure out how to share it with you, but bottom line, she released my brother Bill of a debt that he may very well have owed her. He stole from her, he lied to her, he cussed her out, but she wouldn’t let go of life until she heard his voice. He’s incarcerated, so I had to arrange for him to call at a particular time while I was at the hospital with her. On the morning of July 26th, he called my mom’s cell phone, I put the phone up to her ear, and I heard him say things like, “I’m sorry Mom. It’s not your fault. You did the best you could. You did everything you could for me.” Up until this time, her heart was beating so very strong; the nurses didn’t know what she was waiting for, since her body had shut down and she was no longer responsive. Five minutes after I closed the phone, her heartbeat became fainter and fainter, and she immediately passed away.

I determined she was waiting to let her son know that she forgave him for all he had done and all that he put her through during the last 25 years of her life. She hadn’t seen him since before Thanksgiving 2005, and Bill didn’t know how sick she had become. But in my mind, I believe with my heart that she wanted him to know that she held no grudges. She didn’t want him to have a heavy heart. She had more compassion for her son at the end of her life than she was probably capable of before.

But here’s a thought...some might say that a mother’s love transcends a child’s transgressions, so it’s easier to forgive your child. I have a 2 ½ year old, so I can’t say her offenses have amounted to anything worth having to forgive at all (I hope and pray it never happens – but how realistic is that?). But what about those instances in which a hurt was inflicted so deep that you thought you’d never recover? What about those instances in which your husband or boyfriend beat you? What other situations have you encountered where you don’t want to forgive because the sin against you is so egregious? Can we honestly say we can forgive in those instances? Many of my students don’t think it’s possible. Think about it.

Daddy's Girl

Most people who know me consider me to be a "Daddy's girl." As the saying goes, "I had him wrapped around my little finger." When I was young, my father would give me almost anything I asked for. I didn't ask for much anyway. But if I wanted something, like a new pair of jeans or a pair of shoes or a new outfit, I could always ask my father for the money to get what I wanted. My Daddy loved me then, and in spite of the difficulties my family has struggled with the past more than several years, he still loves me. I am his pride and joy (I'm not saying this to be arrogant at all; I just know how my father feels about me, and I know many other women whose fathers feel the same way about their daughters).

Today, my daughter and I went to school without my husband. My husband usually travels with us in the morning, but he needed to stay home today to complete a huge, major writing project. So this evening after I picked up A. from daycare, we had a different sort of ride home. A. wasn't as vocal as she normally is when her daddy is riding with us. But all that changed when we drove up to the entrance of the subdivision. When she saw the sign greeting us to our subdivision, she yelled out, "Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy!!!" in rapid succession. During that moment (as in others) I saw how important Daddies are in the life of their daughers.

I love watching my husband and my daughter play with each other. She enjoys him so much, and he enjoys her immensely. I see the major impact he has made on her already during her short life (aside from looking too much like him and not enough like me). He disciplines her lovingly but sternly, and after it's all said and done, she's right back in his arms to have "tummy time" or to just look at him with those big, lovely brown eyes.

For those of us who are mothers, it's important for us to understand how positively a father can impact his children. Even if you are not a mother, we all need to look at fathers and acknowledge how crucial they are to a child's well-being. Don't get me wrong - I know mothers have that special mo-jo for their children to which fathers may not have access. But they have their own formula, and responsible, caring men who are responsible, caring fathers partake of and impart that formula so that their sons and daughters (like Avia) will know how much they are truly loved and cherished as special, precious, marvelous people.

So if you know someone who is a father, encourage him and thank him for being the wonderful father God destined him to be. I know he may not be perfect (lol!), but being Daddy's little girl, it matters not.

(Disclaimer: Of course, there are men who are abusive to those around them - in which case they still need encouragement, but it may need to be in the form of reproof, correction, counseling, etc. I am not a mental health or legal professional - this is not medical or legal advice.)

SURPRISE!

One area of my life I have been trying to work on is my emotions. It’s been a long road. I’d like to say I experienced success overnight – no such luck. I have determined, though, that there are two ways that seem to get the issue at least in the forefront of my mind. One way is through something similar to “on the job training.” That is, I encounter a situation, and I attempt to get a handle on my feelings in order to understand what’s leading up to the dance I’m about to perform (for an explanation about this dance, see “Life as a Dance” post below) until I can make some sense of it and deal with it appropriately. This is no fun, because it’s not like I can predict when the opportunity to deal with my emotions is going to arise. I can’t schedule these wonderful occasions. It’s a SURPRISE! (My husband will tell you I’m not much for surprises.) What’s frustrating about this for me is that many times, I don’t get a chance to assess the situation because things can sometimes happen so quickly. Like an accident – you don’t expect them, but they can be very disruptive, if not devastating. So instead of just letting my emotions run wild in challenging situations with others (such as my husband or my daughter or my students for that matter), I am attempting to really think about what’s going on inside me before a terrible accident happens. This is a difficult task, but one I am willing to take on because I know it will result in a bit more peace inside.

The second way I can make this issue is a priority is to talk about it to my husband, a good friend, counselor, high school students...Yes, I said high school students. If you saw the “About Me” section to the right, you’ll notice that I am a teacher in a private, college-prep high school. It’s a great school – these kids are great thinkers who focus so tremendously on academics. It’s that type of school – ranked very highly in the Southeast U.S. Many of these kids get accepted in the top schools in the country.

Anyway, in one of my classes made up of seniors, we started talking about the Michael Richards incident in which in a public comedy performance, he was videotaped engaged in a hurtful tirade calling two Black men in the audience the “n” word and shouting expletives indicating what he really thought of African-Americans. As I explained to my students that he definitely didn’t know how to control his emotions (interestingly, it’s probably a good thing that he had the outburst, because if he hadn’t, we wouldn’t know how he really felt about African-Americans), they said, “Well, you can’t do that. There is no way to control your emotions.” Of course I said to them, “Oh, but yes you can,” and provided an example of a recent “opportunity” in which I tried to do just that. Now, mind you, the situation SURPRISED me! And I had an outburst. But the difference this time is that I was able to remove myself from the physical situation for a time by going to the bathroom, closing the door, turning out the lights, crying, and praying for discernment about what was going on inside me. The answer to that prayer is recounted in the “Life as a Dance” post below. It was the insecurity and defensiveness I harbor inside. Being able to write about it allowed me to decompress, and I was able to deal with it better the next day. Being able to talk about, even to my students, keeps it fresh. Being able to share it here forces me (in a good way) to continue to reflect on the process.

I’ve been attempting to do this type of “inner work” more and more as occasions present themselves. While I may not ever become an “expert” at it, I believe that with each “opportunity,” I get a chance to practice, and we all know the old adage, “Practice makes perfect.” Except here, being “perfect” doesn’t imply never making a mistake. To look at it in a biblical sense, being "perfect” means being "mature.” So I look forward to a maturing in my ability to control my emotions, because in looking forward, I have hope. There is hope.